War of the Gods
by Lady Cosmos
Summary: People say the world was created in seven days. What has been lost over time was that God was extraordinarily lazy. And his name was Nanjiroh. [Crack!fic, various pairings, yaoi]


**Notes:** This came out of a conversation with Becchan. I claim no responsibility for what is being written. This is not to be taken seriously at all! Knowledge of fandom jokes would greatly help, but is not particularly needed. Enter at your own risk, but please review if you like.

People say the world was created in seven days. They say that God created the heavens and the earth; light and dark; water and land; man and animals. However, what has been lost over time was that God was extraordinarily lazy. And his name was Nanjiroh.

Instead of seven days, it took nearly seven years. Nanjiroh often grew very weary of his work, instead preferring the company of a few cooked fish and a naughty magazine. Because of his carelessness, Nanjiroh forgot to fully form some pieces of land. Giant islands were left floating aimlessly about; water was not included in a great many parts of the world; the earth was not fully compacted leaving it free to shift and shake at will. However, Nanjiroh deemed that all was good and promptly took a nap.

After several more years, Nanjiroh began to feel lonely. His magazines were old and worn, the women barely appealing to him anymore. The animals ignored him for the most part, looking disdainfully down on him when he approached them. Out of sheer frustrated, he created four tennis balls, each containing a piece of his power, in hopes of four beautiful humans being formed.

For months, Nanjiroh sat on those tennis balls, fidgeting every so often because of the extended incubation period.

"Wahhh!! This is so boring!" he finally screamed one afternoon after a fretfully long period. Shifting just so, enabling him to peer at the tennis balls he was trying to hatch, Nanjiroh poked at them, "Oi! Brats! Hurry it up! Papa wants to play!!"

Another several weeks passed and finally, Nanjiroh felt something he had been waiting so long for.

Underneath him, the tennis balls began to move and crack, poking him in the butt since he was currently napping and too lazy to move anyhow. After a severe poke, Nanjiroh finally awoke and fell off his nest. Upon hearing the sound of the cracking tennis balls, Nanjiroh became undoubtedly excited.

"Come to papa! Come on, pretty ladies!" Unfortunately, when the tennis balls finally revealed their inhabitants, Nanjiroh was less than thrilled.

Four brand new, godly baby boys stared up at him, all but one having a very displeased expression on their faces. Nanjiroh felt a great sadness looking down on his children.

"I didn't want boys!!! WHERE ARE MY WOMEN?!!!"

--

Life was fairly easy going for the four children gods. Because of their status, the four boys quickly grew into four handsome men. Although he was mightily displeased with his project, Nanjiroh felt that he should at least name his children – if only so he could make fun of them by name later.

"And you shall be called…Atobe." Nanjiroh looked down on his grey-haired son, patting him on the head as he moved on.

"And what shall ore-sama's purpose?" Atobe had somehow managed to create himself a mirror and was currently preening over his new, purple attire.

"What?! You're the son of a god; you should respect your elders." But that did nothing to dissuade Atobe.

"As the son of a god, I deem that it is necessary to have some control and power in this world. If not, no one will be awed by my prowess."

With a heavy sigh, Nanjiroh waved his hand as he straightened up and cleared his throat is a self-important manner. "As first named son….the sun shall shine only for you, Atobe."

With a quaint smirk, Atobe glanced at his siblings. "What a wonderful gift."

"And you…" Nanjiroh paused at his second son. That smile, the closed eyes…Nanjiroh still couldn't figure out where he had gone wrong with that experiment, "I shall name you Fuji." And still, the boy smiled. Nanjiroh quickly added, "And you shall have power over all the elements. Next!"

Fuji just smiled, laughing softly under his breath, "Saaa…I think that's a wonderful gift as well. Wouldn't you say, Atobe?"

Atobe didn't deem it worth him to answer.

"And you shall be called Tezuka and…." Nanjiroh sized up the stoic boy before him. Face void of expression, a very serious posture. Nanjiroh grinned to himself, "And your crotch shall be the center of the universe. Have fun with this gift, my boy. It holds great power."

Tezuka didn't move, didn't flinch, only bowed. "Hai! I shall use it well."

Slipping his arms into his sleeves, Nanjiroh moved on, slightly sadden by the lack of response. Finally, Nanjiroh was at his last child. For a full minute, he 'haw'ed and 'hum'ed in front of the boy. What fun could he have with this one? He seemed so much like Tezuka with the expressionless face and posture. Well, Nanjiroh thought with a grin, why not?

"And you shall be known as Tachibana and your power shall be that your dot, the one on your forehead," as he said this, Nanjiroh poked Tachibana, causing the boy's eyes to go cross-eyed as he followed the finger, "shall call all sorts of people to you, allowing you to create yourself a harem!"

Tachibana did not know what to think at first. He stared at his father in disbelief, wanting to talk back. Instead, he simply bowed and replied as Tezuka had.

"Hai! I shall use it well."

Saddened by this response as well, Nanjiroh turned his back on the boys, tucked his arms behind his head, and wandered off, "Ahh!! So hungry! I wonder if there are any pretty girls yet…."

Left to their own devices, each of the sons wandered off, some deciding to test their powers while others decided to improve themselves.

--

Nanjiroh was hardly seen after that day. The four child-gods were torn between believing he was trying to create women and believing he had finally fallen asleep forever – or had grown bored with his creation and found entertainment elsewhere. Tezuka and Tachibana firmly believed in the last one.

"I believe it's time that took responsibility of our father's work and maintain some sort of control over this chaos." Tachibana faced his brothers at lunch one day, talking more to Tezuka as Atobe was currently staring out the window at the sun and Fuji seemed to have developed an intense interest with cactus recently.

Tezuka nodded as he stood and carried his dishes to the kitchen.

"I agree. It would be disgraceful for us to turn our backs on those in need. We need to become their pillars of support."

From his corner, Fuji turned his head just enough so the others could see his smile, "Saa. I don't think we have to go that far. They seem to be getting along just fine without us."

"I agree with Fuji. Our assistance is not needed by the peasants. And we would only degrade ourselves by helping them." Atobe turned from the window, making sure that as he did _so_, the sun shone around him just so. The effect, he found, was simply amazing.

"How can you say that?!" Tachibana rose from his chair, slamming his palms on the table forcefully. Fuji turned and opened his eyes for the first time; Atobe simply stared down his nose at his brother; Tezuka did not make any movement, returning from the kitchen with his head lowered and eyes closed, "There is nothing but chaos and crime! People manipulate each other and kill each other! We had an obligation to look after them."

"Tachibana is right. People need to be guided and molded. As the sons of their creator, we are the best candidates."

"Tezuka, Tachibana," Fuji had his back turned on the pair once more, his attention supposedly focused on the cacti before him, "I believe you're underestimating these people. Besides, it's more fun this way "

The tension quickly increased in the room. Atobe remained before the window, letting the sun worship him; Fuji smiled down on his cacti, watering them; only Tachibana and Tezuka seemed displeased with the current situation, leaving the room while quietly seething.

"Atobe, Fuji, don't make the wrong decision. We'll discuss this tomorrow morning. Everyone, dismissed!" And with that, Tezuka left the room with Tachibana trailing him.

After a few minutes, Fuiji and Atobe still had not moved from their respective positions. Finally, Atobe turned to regard Fuji, watching as his brother stared, open eyed, at his plants.

"Fuji." The boy raised his head at his name.

"Ah? Atobe?"

"I believe that it would be wise for us to join forces. Tezuka and Tachibana obviously will not change their minds and we shall not either. The only outcome possible will be a battle between us." Fuji looked at his brother carefully, watching his every move. That smile slowly began to paste itself onto his face.

"Ah? And what do you suggest, brother?"

Smirking, Atobe sauntered towards Fuji, laying a careful hand on his shoulder.

"I believe we should create a force of our own; a tennis team of unspeakable power that will be able to combat anything that our brothers come up with."

Fuji had completely recovered his smile by this point, moving closer to Atobe, decreasing the distance between them.

"And how do you suggest we do that?"

Atobe's smirk grew as he drew his fingers along Fuji's cheek, tipping his face up slightly by his chin. "First, let's speak with father. Then we can work out the more minor details."

--

And so it was that the brothers four split, fating themselves to a judgment day, good versus evil in a contest to determine the victor. However, Atobe and Fuji managed to one-up their siblings from day one.

Speaking with Nanjiroh, Atobe and Fuji were able to extract a set of special tennis balls from him for breeding purposes. Months later, four new boys hatched to the delight of the siblings. They were, respectively, named Saeki, Takahashi (Taka for short), Eiji, and Yuuta. Eiji happened to also be a twin to another boy named Gakuto. After extensive research, Atobe and Fuji determined Eiji to be the worthier of the two and left Gakuto to his own devices.

The happy new family moved into a home of their own dubbed Cactus Castle by Fuji. Although Atobe had a few qualms with the title, Fuji was quick to dissuade him by showing him that their room would always face the sun. Atobe was pleased by this detail and dropped any complaints concerning their new home.

From their new breeding stock, Atobe and Fuji were able to create a tennis team consisting of ten children.

Atobe, with Yuuta, begat a boy named Shishido. With Saeki, he begat two boys, names Akutsu and Shinji. From two outside breeders, Oishi and Oshitari, peasants that had extraordinary powers as proclaimed by Atobe, were begat Ohtori and Inui, respectively.

Fuji had much more luck with the breeders.

From Yuuta, he begat Jiroh and Kamio, the latter being a slight disappointment to the child-god. From Saeki was begat Sengoku. With Taka, Fuji begat Momoshiro (name also shortened to Momo). From Eiji was begat Kentarou.

Together, the brothers bred their most destructive forces; a boy named Ryoma and a cat named Karupin. Sadly, born with Ryoma was another boy, his twin. This twin was named Dan and considered not good enough.

Without a second thought, the lesser of the twins was thrown out of Cactus Castle and left to fend for himself.

Luckily for Dan, Tezuka and Tachibana were also marshalling a force of their own. However, without the help of special breeders, they were forced to create the team themselves.

Together, the two child-gods begat Kaidoh, Mizuki, Touji, Kirihara, and Sanada. After extensive searching, the brothers also found Oishi and deemed him to have worthy talent for their cause. With Oishi, Tezuka begat Taki and Kurobane.

Also lucky for the brothers, Gakuto managed to find his way to their stronghold. With the rejected twin, Tezuka begat one known as Kajimoto. Unfortunately for the brothers, a girl was also begat. One they called Sakuno.

And so it was that with their forces marshaled, growing and training under the gods, the brothers waited for that fatal day, Judgment day, when all would be determined by a tennis tournament.


End file.
